Because I just don’t know

24 Aug 2010 by flerly, Comments Off on Because I just don’t know

I have a half dozen outlets I use to vent stress, exclaim joy, record life, or inform whatever audience in whatever way. I babble long-winded here, or use Facebook to vent with limited characters, or stress-release to a locked LJ audience, or whatever. Now I’m also trying to follow a daily “brief” journal notion — which I’ve set up as Flerlyone.wordpress.com or here for LJ. It’s a sentence or two summary of each day — to offer remembrance of things, good or bad, every day, so I can better review where I am in my life and move forward. It’s a recommended habit from The Happiness Project website.

What I’ve learned already is that though I may struggle every day to analyze myself, I can get really defensive when somebody else does it for me. In the past year, one friend who really only ever sees my Facebook quips, has pointed out that one: I seem to be sick a lot, and two: I apparently have more job stress than anybody else he knows.

Isn’t it fairly run-of-the-mill for people to vent about their jobs? Doesn’t everybody’s job suck? Or have I been kidding myself that the amazing perks of this no traffic, work-at-home in my PJs or workout while I work, and don’t keep track of days off gig do not really offset the intense bouts of crap that I sometimes have to deal with for work. I have noticed it directly affects my sleep — I cannot let work issues go, and I often worry through the night over one thing or another regarding work. That stress builds until I go on crazy i-cannot-figure-out-what-i’m-hungry-for eating sprees. I definately have the chocolate-cures-all-that-ails-you mindset when it comes to work stress, but I guess it cures all but “fat”.

Where I used to find myself so engrossed in an issue at the computer that I would realize I hadn’t moved in my chair for hours, I’m now finding that same thing standing at my treadmill desk. When I noticed my walking log was varying from 1-6 miles depending on the day, with me spending the same amount of time at the treadmill, I figured something was going on — and it was. Some days I start working and zone out until I get hungry — then realize it’s lunch and I’ve just been standing there in my pjs all morning not even making time to put on clothes or shoes to walk in, let alone turn the treadmill on. Standing is supposed to be better than sitting, but I never thought I’d get comfortable enough to zone out like that standing.

I am also still forcing myself to log every damned calorie, even if it is a binging-snack-fest of a day. I want to see for real how many of those days I have. Because I think, in my mind, it’s not really that many… or it’s a few in a row from some work crisis, then I have a while where things are “normal” and I can focus again. My facebook friend seems to disagree with that, but there’s nothing but actual tracking the info that can say one way or another.

And then the question becomes, how many days of high bloodpressure, no sleep, insatiable-stress-hunger over work are okay? Can I keep this job and find any peace or happiness?

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