After reading more reminders about keeping up with daily steps, I decided to pull the old elliptical out of storage and put it upstairs. Hopefully it can make my scheduled work breaks more productive — so when my alarm says “Get up!” then I can get up and go!

Have also had better luck today in the VFFs by applying a little Body Glide anti-chafing balm to my troublesome left-foot — the flat one!  More toe raises and stretching today. Looking forward to stronger ankles and finding out if it’s possible to actually fix a flat foot.

Two dietary revisions over the past 24-hours. First, a little cup of dry Special K Chocolatey delight, with just a sprinkle of coconut mixed in seems to make a satisfactory substitute for a girl scout cookie craving. Yay!

Second, I added back coffee, with sugar-free creamer and benefiber to the daily routine. May switch back to some teas with the creamer and fiber, but today I was just craving the coffee. Forgot how filling the combination could be. I credit my tiny cereal breakfast and string cheese with slice of ham lunch without hunger pangs today entirely to the extra fiber and coffee richness.

More Olympics tonight, so hopefully that will mean some time on the treadmill after dinner! May this good day be the start to a great week on the project!

My head is so much clearer today. I was still sort of yawning and groggy at first, but that didn’t last more than any other typical “just got up” grogginess. Did finally get around to doing a half-hour on the treadmill over lunch, and it did help the continued leg soreness. Clearly I needed to catch up on sleep, so I’m not going to fault myself this morning’s weakness. I honestly haven’t even really dwelled on it today, as I’ve been so productive finishing up some much needed work items.

It is week one, sure. Still doing well on eating, or so I think at least. There’s no bootcamp tomorrow morning, but that doesn’t mean I can’t attempt to get right back on it and do my own thing at the scheduled time. Maybe even over the weekend, I mean, a Friday, Saturday, Sunday seems like a great time to work on getting my sleep schedule handled.

Anywho, no use beating myself up over today. It’s just a day, put it aside and move on to tomorrow.

But instead of simple success, I get craziness and drama, and an endless boring saga of “gosh it was hard to get up this morning” and “doing that one little good for me thing led to me being a zombie all day” and I have to wonder, am I just stupid here?

Yes, day three is hardly a habit-forming streak, and it was expected that each day without an adjusted sleep-schedule was going to be harder than the last. Yes, I dragged ass up and worked out, and yes indeedy-do I’m so freaking sore today it’s miserable. This is all part of the expected “hump” to get over to get into this, so I guess I’m right on track.

I think it’s got to be during these early days when most battles are lost. When you’re so digusted with yourself because a little moving around has made your body so sore that you’re groaning like an idiot with every step. It’s these days when my mind can’t focus, and I realize I’m mentally weighing the eventual benefits of doing something good for myself versus causing myself more stress now for working slower — thinking, maybe if I just skip a day I can get a good night’s sleep, find that focus and crank out some work to lower my stress. Then I’ll be back on track to start again, except I know every day I skip adds to this horrible-painful adjustment period.

Power through. Keep getting up. Just focus as best you can, things will get done. Remember to soak and stretch more. The soreness will pass. The sleep schedule will work itself out. This isn’t about deprivation, it’s about enhancement. The more you sulk over things, the more it’s apparent your head is in the wrong place here — this is just a rocky start on a trip to a fabulous destination.

Oh and last but not least, drink more water, stupid! Chills after exercise are apparently a pretty common sign of dehydration. I’m pretty sure you knew that, if your brain had just been less fuzzy.

Bedtime was horrible again, somewhere around 12:30 for my 4:30 wake-up. I decided to stop trying to force myself to go lay down earlier, because I end up laying there miserable for hours, mind racing, and I think that only added to my resentment and excuses when that alarm goes off so early. Sort of… “I slept like crap, how can I be expected to go workout.” Now, if I’m not sleepy, I’m not laying down yet. Whether that means only a few hours sleep or not, at least when I lay down, I’m out. I don’t wake up feeling like I’ve wasted time in bed. I’m tired, sure, but the only frustration is really that my body hasn’t made the adjustment to allow me to be sleepy earlier yet. I have faith it will adjust.

Day two was mostly legs, with a little more of those darn abs thrown in just to make sure I was actually sore from yesterday. Wasn’t too sore getting going, I did notice. I have to credit this to doing the week one CT5K workout on the treadmill last night.

Also, I did step on the scale this morning, but I won’t tell yet. Saving my weigh-ins for Sunday, as I planned. Also, saving my food consumption today for real signs of hunger, instead of the schedule. Made a cup of chai tea to sip for my morning work call, because after my post-workout additional sleep crashing, I did wake up hungry, but not in time to eat before the call. Strangely, though, by the time the call was over and the tea was consumed, my belly had stopped growling. Amazed at this, I decided to not automatically go make breakfast unless I really seemed hungry again.

Stomach didn’t growl again until a little after noon, which again amazed me, but this time when I went to make lunch my head was all over the place craving things. Almost just got dressed and went out to feast on Taco Bell, but managed to rein in to just a Progresso soup and ham sandwich.

Since lunch, however, the belly isn’t growling, but the mind is definately racing on food topics. Tried to focus on some work, turned up the music — caught myself staring into space again. I am still really tired, but am trying not to nap, since for one it takes me away from work I need to get done, and two it can’t help my body adjust to the new sleep schedule. 

So, I’m awake — consciously telling myself that I’ve had a total of about 7 hours and that shouldn’t feel like deprivation — and it’s worked so far… until I realize I’m shivering. I’m just freezing; my hands feel stiff and achy like I’ve been out in the cold. It’s ridiculous, because the house is the usual temp and my office with all these lights and computers is always the warmest place in the house, but I’m sitting here now at my work computer, wrapped in a huge blanket, trying to function. I’ve made one attempt to jog about a little to “get the blood pumping” and it was strangely painful, even as it did help just a bit, but as soon as I sat down, I was freezing again.

This has to be mental… some psycho mental malfunction telling my body to go into hibernation mode for it’s own good because the mind in charge is off it’s rocker with the work tasks, and not getting it the food it craves, and the not allowing the naps it wants.  Clearly I don’t have my own best interests at heart, so I should not be allowed to stay in charge. I’m sure schizophrenia is right around the bend… or a nighttime eating binge disorder.

Gah, I babble, but even to me this is ridiculous. Why does everything feel like such a battle? I’m a fat American with a sit-down job and a pantry full of goodies. At any given moment I could go start eating and not run out of food for days, so why does my brain think I’m so deprived?

If this is day two, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s fun!

Thankfully, the urgent work items were few, though there are a few huge projects pending. No fires, thank goodness, as all my brain wanted to do for the next couple hours was go back to bed now that the rumbly tummy was cured. Could not succumb. Flipped on the television for the day, loud. Caught myself staring at nothing several times, then when my first “Move around!” alert hit, I made myself get up and sort of jog around, take the stairs a few times, get the blood pumping. That and a big glass of water helped for a while.

Managed to hold off the lunch urge until nearly 1 PM, and despite wild imaginings of what options were in the kitchen, managed to stay sane with just some tuna, veggies and some wheat crackers. Of course, made myself take the time to go walk and move around for at least 15 minutes before I made food, then didn’t take it back to the desk to eat it. I’m thinking desk eating is a lousy habit, so I’m opting for about anyplace else to sit with food. At the very least it causes me to have to get up again afterwards and move some more to get back to work.

Since we’re exercising indoors in the mornings, there really isn’t much of any running with this bootcamp — unless I start going to the Friday mornings at Stone Mountain, which is an option. But, before I get that crazy — outdoors at 5 AM, in the cold, and all about running the entire time — I thought maybe I’d pick up the old Couch-to-5K workouts again and just do them on the treadmill here in the evenings. They’re supposed to be 3 days a week, and I should be able to do that. If it works out, then I’m just a few weeks away from having decent stamina to at least jog for some distance, and THEN I’ll look at hooking up with the Stone Mountain class again.

Have to say, though, I was starving all freaking day. Just mentally thinking about what we had on hand, almost talking myself into a run to the store for better supplies so I couldn’t make a really bad choice if I gave in. Problem is, we don’t really have any bad choices right now… I guess except another full lunch-sized meal. So, I had a big glass of water, tried to focus some more, discovered my mind was still nuts for food — then allowed myself an apple and a string cheese. And by the time James made it home, I was never so glad to hear his lunch was small and he was ready for dinner early. So, I jump on dinner — not the healthiest, but not the worse and budget friendly — 1 1/4 lean ground turkey, hamburger helper, with skim milk. It made a bowl for each of us, and it says “serves 5″. It was disappointing, and I worked ever so hard to try to eat it slowly, but I knew before I’d taken the last bite that I wanted something else.

I could go on and on, but obviously day one of Project 40 has been a huge mental battle with food. I’m so far from starving myself, but the notion that I should be conscious of what and when I’m eating has been an irritating distraction to my entire day — making me practically useless for work, honestly. The soreness of beginning an exercise routine again, the mental battle, and this dreadful sleep schedule — yes, in just over 4 hours now I get to wake up and start it all again — are not making me feel hopeful. But, it’s day one… with 1 year, 266 days to go, to get over this CRAP, and I should be hopeful.

Be hopeful. I’ll put that on my to-do list for tomorrow.

It occurs to me that I really miss going dancing. *Calls up a last.fm “club dance” tag radio.* Yeah, this music is not suited for sitting on a ridiculous balance-ball chair at your desk.

Speaking of ridiculous balance-ball chairs – which was supposed to keep me from sitting still all day and force me to sit-up more, improving my posture — I got to thinking last night about all the money I’ve put into various fitness trends over the years. How can any person have so much fitness equipment and still look for the next thing? Probably because they’re fresh out of stock on motivation. Wonder who sells that? Oh well, if you need a treadmill, elliptical machine, aerobics step, yoga mat, entire shelf of hand-weights, jump rope, ankle weights, thigh-master, workout bands, or balance balls (I have two) I’ve got you covered, along with a crate of workout DVDs, their older VHS cousins, 6 versions of Dance Dance revolution, Yourself! Fitness for ps2, Wii Fit with Biggest Loser for some incentive to use the gear. I’ve also got workout clothes in a range of sizes for a variety of activities… oh, and the birthday bicycle that I think made one trip outdoors in 2009 — though it was a long one.

So all that in mind, I’m supposed to think that a notion for some grand plan using my 40th birthday as motivation is supposed to work where every other big goal hasn’t — our wedding, Maggie’s wedding, reunions, vacation trips, blah blah. Atkins, fail. Weightwatchers, fail. Plain old calorie-counting, fail. Not for lack of good plans, just lack of good follow-through. I’m already down one month of six on another attempt at Bootcamp, and it just feels like if I just had all the money back I’ve thrown at these goals over the years I could have just had some damn plastic surgery. Of course, that doesn’t fundamentally change me mentally, and it would more likely just be the thing I’m complaining about wishing I had the money back from now since plastic surgery wouldn’t change any of my bad habits.

And I have a lot of bad habits. I think they are sort of America’s bad habits, of course. A tendency to hyper-focus on a task in front of some kind of screen so that we don’t even realize that we haven’t moved for hours… and hours. Also a tendency to eat “on schedule” whether we’re really hungry or not, at least for me that’s true. I don’t generally eat too badly, I just don’t have a real sense of when I’m hungry because I’ve been ingrained by dieting to “not starve yourself!” lest your metabolism shut down, so I have plenty of small, healthy snacks around. I eat my breakfast, even if I just got up at 10 AM, and by noon I succumb to “lunch hour” to eat again. I can tell you sitting-still doesn’t burn a hell of a lot of breakfast calories away to get you ready for lunch.

 On the other hand, if I am on a workout kick, then I’m perpetually starving — likely mostly mentally — as I gauge the quality and quantity of each meal more carefully, and tell myself I’m not being deprived. Again, plenty of healthy snacks, just like any “athlete” — of course, that 45 minute workout that got my brain all revved up to be starving all day really doesn’t offset the full rest of my day sitting. Add to it that my focus on tasks seems to be less when my brain is going nuts wondering what the heck is going on with this working out and when the next meal will be, so I’m actually sitting longer because I’m taking longer to finish things.

All this is probably just me and my messed up head. I like to come up with reasons, excuses, blame for the way I am — because a little chocolate cures that kind of stress, right? It’s not your fault! Feel better! Just a snack-sized bar — you eat *great* the rest of the time. Enjoy your reward in advance for your renewed sense of self-worth and your promise to “get back on the wagon” tomorrow… or the next day… whenever that ache or sniffle is gone.

That’s probably why my stomach is twitchy right now — because I’ve gone and set this big goal with a start date of tomorrow, and my subconscious is  cranking out acid as it goes through all the excuses for tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off at 4:30, and wondering if my willpower will actually hold out and cause me to get up anyway. I want to say it will be, but I know I can’t count on that. If I get up and go to Bootcamp — step 1 on the journey — it’s going to have to be a conscious effort. A workout partner might make me more accountable, but who is going to suffer this ridiculousness with me and take it any more serious that I ever do. This early morning class is my own problem, and I have to just deal with it. I’ll certainly look toward future opportunities to find activities with workout partners, but if I let myself allow those workouts to be all I do on this goal, I’m not going to make it.

The reality is 4:30 AM is early, and if I only get a few hours sleep beforehand, I can still go because I can always go back to bed when I get home. Bootcamp can be a horrendously tough workout, and it’s going to hurt. Later in the day, after sitting, things are going to hurt worse, and tomorrow will be harder at 4:30 AM. Tomorrow’s pep talk to not hit the snooze is not something I even want to think about at this moment.

Sorry… *shiny rock*. Was sidetracked for a moment by a series of Israeli artists popping up on my Last.fm “club dance” tag radio. Not what I expected. Think I’ll have to be way more specific in the future. Distraction probably for the best — end this downward spiral of thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. My goal is actually realistic. I have the tools. I have the opportunity.

Honestly, if I don’t make fit by 40, I think I’m just going to switch to an all cake diet at 40 and see if I can get on the news when the fire crews have to come cut out the side of our house so they can take me to the hospital when my heart gives out. Apologies in advance, JamesT.

February 2010 begins the 90 week countdown to my 40th birthday. A reasonable weightloss is 1-2 pounds a week, and I probably don’t actually need to lose 90lbs to be healthy, but a goal of 90 in 90 seems doable, or at least catchy. There’s no definate plan of action yet, other than weekly weigh-ins, and to start blogging some workout info again.

You should see a weight-ticker below…eventually.