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It’s long and retarded, but I enjoyed it none the less.

Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Wednesday, January 7, 2004 at 5:09 pm by flerly.

Just because it’s hard to decide between badgers, weasels, snakes, and mushrooms….

Grimbo’s Story – from http://www.pandairo.net/

‘Alas’ said Geoff, peering into his codpiece, ‘It appears my quimwedge is less than adequate for the task in hand’

‘Relax’ said the small banana, ‘If your quimwedge lacks the power needed then I shall taketh thee to the king of the weasel people and his queen the stoat lady. In their palace of radiators they shall giveth thee the knowledge needed for quimwedge enhancement’

‘Is it a long journey?’ asked Geoff, unaware of the road ahead.

‘That it is’ replied the banana, ‘But it is one we shall undertake together’.

So it was that the banana and Geoff set off on their trek to the kingdom of the Weasel king, seeking the palace of radiators. Little did Geoff know of his true place in the world, or the sad fate which would befall his companion the banana.

It was at some point during the second week of their trek, just outside the borders of the kingdom of the Weasel King that Geoff and the banana ran into some difficulties. They were just leaving the Slartibartfast forest when they ran into a group of destitute and panicky looking badgers.

‘Ho there’ said Geoff, confident in his knowledge that Badgers were on the whole friendly people.

‘Be you enemy?’ spluttered the leading badger coughing up blood onto the floor.

‘You poor bastard’ screamed the banana dropping to his knees to assist the Badger, ‘What happened to you to cause such hardship?’

‘The banana’ shouted the fallen badger, ‘our redemption is here’. With this the entire troop of badgers dropped to their knees and began chanting a strange song.

‘Redemption?’ said Geoff ‘Us?’

‘Yes’ replied the Badger, still nursed in the arms of the banana, ‘For it is written that when the banana comes we shall be saved from our terrible ailment’

‘What’s that?’ asked Geoff, suddenly realising there was a bourbon biscuit in his hand which he gave to a very hungry looking badger

‘Well you see, we all have tuberculosis. Many years ago our ancestors did a deal with the sultan of the mushroom people. He allowed us to eat small amounts of a very special mushroom which grows only in a remote part of Slartibartfast forest’ said the badger before collapsing into a serious coughing fit which resulted in a large pile of blood and mucous being deposited on the floor, ‘This mushroom has magical powers which stop us getting tuberculosis. However, about one year ago the snake came. He is an evil snake and he has taken over the part of the forest where our mushrooms grow. That is why we are all dying’

‘That is terrible’ said Geoff, handing a spontaneous large Garibaldi to another Badger, ‘The banana and I will help you, where is the snake?’

‘I ISSSS HERE AND WISSSSHHH TO DESSSTROY YOUR BANANA’ said a booming, hissing voice from behind.

Geoff whirled round to see a snake about three metres high in front of him. The snake was an off purple colour with green stripes running all the way down his back. His head was about the size of a man’s with massive fangs as long as Geoff’s forearms. The snake darted forward
biting the fallen badger who instantly vaporised. ‘I HASSS NO QUARRELSSS WITH YOU, GEOFF’ said the snake, ‘GIVE ME YOUR BANANA’

‘Never’ said Geoff placing himself between the snake and the banana. Suddenly, Geoff heard a screaming sound, like an old fan belt screech and felt a rush of air past his ear. ‘I know what I must do’ screamed the banana.

Surprised, Geoff stumbled backwards away from the banana and suddenly felt his weight supported. He turned around to see a stack of hob-nobs behind him where before there had been only forest, behind which the rest of the tuberculosis stricken badgers were hiding. Bemused, Geoff was awoken from his concentration by screams behind him.

On turning around, Geoff saw the banana and the snake locked in a massive battle. The snake, obviously the stronger party was attacking in an almost pendulum motion, rocking back and striking, rocking back and striking. Every time the snake struck, the banana just jumped out
of the way, and as the snake recoiled each time the banana jabbed his short sword into the snake.

‘Banana, noooooooooooo’ shouted Geoff, scared for his friend engaged in a fight to the death.

‘LEAVE USSSSSSSSSSS’ shouted the snake in return before recoiling for another attack.

‘I know what I must do, great one’ said the banana looking at Geoff before dropping his sword and looking straight at the snake.

‘YOU LACKSSS MY SSSSSSTRENGTH’ laughed the snake at the banana, raising himself up high and opening his mouth wider then Geoff had ever seen

‘Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine’ challenged the banana, still resolute in his position.

Propelled into action by the mortal danger that the banana had placed himself in, Geoff lurched forward, but it was too late. The snake struck fast and true, immediately engulfing the banana in his gargantuan mouth.

‘YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HAHAHAHAHAHA’ guffawed the snake as he brought his eyes to rest on the badgers behind the pile of hob-nobs. ‘Never’ defied Geoff, enraged by the fate of the banana, once again placing himself between the snake and its prey ‘You’ll have to go through me’

‘SSSOOOOOO BE IT’ said the snake, beginning his advance on Geoff.

Every muscle, nerve and hair in Geoff’s’ body tensed, ready to try to stop the advance of the evil snake. About a metre away from Geoff, however, the snakes eyes suddenly went cloudy, ‘WHAT’SSSSSS THISSSSSSSSS?’ he hissed before collapsing on the floor, his mouth wide open.

Geoff peered inside to see the banana wedged sideways in the snakes Gullet, his tiny yellow form blocking the snake’s windpipe. The badgers gathered around behind Geoff, many in tears, looking morosely at the fallen body of the hero fruit. ‘Geoff’ said the banana almost at a whisper, ‘I did what I must to protect you and now I die. This was my fate and I accept it. You must now accept yours and hurry on to the palace of radiators and fulfil the prophecy of your quimwedge’

‘No’ said Geoff, ‘You can’t go, you mustn’t’

‘I can and I will’ said the banana, now speaking in little more than a croak, ‘The badgers will assist you in your journey to the weasel king and the stoat lady. Now it is my time to go, but remember: don’t cry for me Slartibartfast, the truth is ill never leave you’. And with that, the banana breathed his last breath.

Collapsing to his knees, Geoff buried his head in his hands and lean forward to remove the banana from the jaws of the snake. Now openly crying, Geoff placed the banana gently on the floor and got out his shovel. In absolute silence Geoff began to dig a grave for the saviour of the badgers of slartibartfast, and was soon assisted by all of the woodland creatures. The burial was fast and efficient, with the yellow hero soon deposited into the earth.

‘We must have a headstone for the banana’ said Geoff to the assembled creatures, ‘who will help me?’. At this precise moment, as if by magic a massive digestive biscuit the size of a monster truck wheel appeared over the grave of the banana. The normal biscuit text was no longer there, replaced simply by, ‘Here lies the little banana, He beat the Snake and redeemed the badgers. Remember Him’. Confused by the appearance of such an object, Geoff turned and resumed his trek towards the radiator palace, leaving the banana to rest.

About a week later, Geoff arrived at the radiator palace, still depressed at the fate of his little fruity friend. On his approach to the doors, two guardsmen crossed their halberds in front of him.

‘And who be you’ drawled the more portly of the two guardsmen, swaying slightly from, what Geoff assumed must have been a somewhat liquid lunch, ‘No-one comes in without an appointment’

‘I am Geoff’ Geoff replied, ‘I have come to see the weasel king and the stoat lady about expanding my quim-wedge’

‘Now have you indeed?’ jested the guardsmen, taking his halberd and waving it at Geoff, ‘And can you prove this in anyway?’

‘No, I’m Geoff, I came with the banana but he’s dead now, look I have to see the king, please?’

Once again as if by magic, something very strange happened. Just before the guardsmen who had challenged Geoff to prove his identity could sneer another challenge at him, a gigantic chocolate chip cookie fell from the heavens, breaking over the guard, crushing him quite completely. The second guard looked in horror at Geoff and dropped to his knees, quivering and saying, ‘I am sorry your holiness, so sorry, please proceed’. ‘Err… thank you’ said Geoff, looking with equal horror at the pair of feed protruding from underneath the massive cookie, ‘That had nothing to do with me you know?’. The guard said nothing, still kneeling with his head bowed and shaking. Deciding to chalk this one to experience, Geoff entered the palace and walked into the throne room.

The weasel king was the size of a normal man, and was obviously quite old as his fur was greying. Despite the interspecies issues, Geoff could see that the stoat lady was beautiful. Not only was she death defiantly pretty, she carried herself with an air of grace Geoff had never seen before. ‘Welcome Geoff’ said the weasel King and Stoat Lady in unison.

‘Hi’ said Geoff, bowing.

‘You do not bow for us, but us for you, o revered one’ replied the weasel king.

‘What?’ asked Geoff, ‘You’re the king, I’m just Geoff?’

‘SO you haven’t figured it out yet?’ asked the stoat lady.

‘Figured what out’ said Geoff

‘Your true nature’ retorted the Weasel King, ‘Have you not noticed? You must have noticed by now… why look even now there is a jammy dodger in your hand’

Geoff lifted up his hand and looked. It was empty, he looked up at the weasel King who gestured at Geoff’s left hand which he lifted. When Geoff opened it he saw a jammy dodger in his left palm. Startled, Geoff dropped the biscuit and looked at the monarch of the radiator palace questioningly.

‘Was it not obvious in the slartibartfast forest, when the biscuits appeared that you gave to the badgers, or the wall of biscuits which protected them, or poor bananas gravestone?’ questioned the Stoat Lady

‘How do you know of banana? How do you know of our journey and the struggle? The biscuits weren’t my fault, it just happened.’

‘Well, ill answer your questions in order Geoff. First off all, banana was our servant and friend, we sent him to find you, and he knew what must happen on his journey to prepare you for our meeting. For that reason we know of the journey and all that has befallen you since you and banana left to seek our palace. Thirdly, the biscuits were your fault.’ Said the stoat king in slow patient tones, ‘Have you not noticed the regard people hold you in, the way you are different, fundamentally to everyone else. Or that strange things involving biscuits always happen around you?’

‘Well of course I Have, but I can’t help it? How is it possible that it is me causing these things? Despaired Geoff.

‘Geoff,’ replied the stoat lady, holding his glance with her beautiful eyes, ‘You are the GOD of biscuits’



  1. anonymous has made a Comment

    It was me who wrote this and i’d lost it myself :/ thx for keeping it alive 🙂 ctrl+c, ctrl+v


    October 10, 2004 @ 2:40 am

  2. anonymous has made a Comment

    hehehe 🙂


    November 6, 2004 @ 11:28 pm

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