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is it Monday still?

Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 11:20 am by flerly.

Just realized tonight is Crosby Stills and Nash… see how THAT didn’t work out. Don’t guess i’ll ever go see Paul McCartney either.. these old coots are too damned expensive.

Miserable stopped up head this morning. Slept shitty, damned cat crawling all over, hot as hell, and JT doing the disappearing thing. Allergies kicking his ass, too.

Sat down and figured up how next check is already spent and things are sad. Had a couple long money conversations with Jim about money lately. I just need to make more, he says. Brilliant, I say. He’s right though, I have been barely scraping by for the last month. Can’t think of a single frivolous purchase, just bills on top of bills, and cash advances to make ends meet… which really isn’t true. $47 left of a cash advance sitting in the bank today, waiting for my $150 car insurance to try to go through, it won’t, they’ll charge me $30 overdraft fee, then run it again Friday, when it will go, thanks to payday. Also, car payment, cash advance loan, gas bill, student loan, storage pmt, gym pmt, are we having fun yet? Because by my totals that leave me around $130 after all bills to live on for two weeks. $97 of which ought to go toward that airline ticket, but won’t. Less than enough to fill my damned allergy prescription again, and maybe enough to go get an eye exam and new contacts. And would you like to know why I’m stressed? I think that covers it… I’m aching, painfully, miserable, without essential things I need while people I know buying q-bits and radios and lottery tickets and Peking Duck, and though I know this is all their right to do with as they see fit, since it’s their money, and since I know that I have not and will not ASK for any of their money to be loaned or spent differently, i STILL have to sit through it all, watch them enjoy their goodies, and just keep my unconcerned mouth shut about it all. Then, when every day I wake up head pounding, allergies, eyes burning, contacts so painful in my eyes, yet essential for making it through the day, breakfast bar, brownbag lunch, shitty traffic, work through lunch, stupid permission restrictions forcing me to do easy tasks the longest and most tedious way, shitty traffic home.. only to find bored, hungry sweety looking for entertainment and/or food, dishes to do, laundry to do, usually more work to do, motivate to go to the gym, find food, make food, serve food, put away food, clean up after food, trash to take out? Okay.. this is a long chores rant, that isn’t so bad anymore with the lovely and talented Maggie around, Cant help feeling some of “us” don’t pull our chore weight around there, though. And sure, you’re job is hell, too. Sure these are your “days off” and you don’t want to work, and bottom line, you just don’t care what’s messy or not, but it’s still a house you share that other people have to live in, so you can make yourself do a thing or two now can’t you? Oh, but I already do most of that stuff for you, why bother changing the routine now… how about because if I continue to do it while watching you spend your “hard-earned” money left and right without once asking if there is anything I need before you deem it “mad money”, that I’m gonna just quit. I had an actual argument yesterday where I had to defend what I see in you, why I love you, and why I pull your housework weight, AND seem to end up loaning money out when you’re at your “broke” level, which is probably $100 or so in the bank that you don’t want to touch. FYI, MY broke level is usually $7 in the bank with plenty of stuff out there that is on the verge of bouncing if I don’t get paid soon enough or else get a cash advance, and do I ask for money? Well, finally, yeah, I guess I did just flat out say that you could take this money, but it’s my money for this bill, so you just take that bill and pay it instead of paying me back… THIS time.

Clearly, I’m on a pissy, moody, shitty stupid rant and probably out of control. Petty, stupid, but real things that bother me every damn day. When you say to me “Peking duck” i want to smack you, and know why? Neither do I.

You’re not feeling great. Your job sucks. You’re under stress. You earned that money yourself, it’s yours to spend. I have no right to say a word to you about it, do I? We’re not married, and even if we were, we’ve still decided to do these things separately. I just need you to know that money and work and my whole situation is stressing me beyond belief, and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to handle it.


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