Must be nerves, and what I could get if I had all that money back…

It’s just after 8pm on the last day of January, 2010, and my stomach is twitchy wondering what ominous thing tomorrow morning will bring. Of course, I sat so still yesterday at my desk for a total of about 10 hours — working, playing, trying to get ahead on a Saturday home alone — that I was beyond sore last night when I lay down. The slightest twist brought on major cramping down my sides. So far the resolution to “move more” seems to only be on regular work days, and not fanatical-computer-devotee-weekend-bender days. I did, at least, manage to do some household chores today to break up the fanatical-computer-screen-staring.

It occurs to me that I really miss going dancing. *Calls up a last.fm “club dance” tag radio.* Yeah, this music is not suited for sitting on a ridiculous balance-ball chair at your desk.

Speaking of ridiculous balance-ball chairs — which was supposed to keep me from sitting still all day and force me to sit-up more, improving my posture — I got to thinking last night about all the money I’ve put into various fitness trends over the years. How can any person have so much fitness equipment and still look for the next thing? Probably because they’re fresh out of stock on motivation. Wonder who sells that? Oh well, if you need a treadmill, elliptical machine, aerobics step, yoga mat, entire shelf of hand-weights, jump rope, ankle weights, thigh-master, workout bands, or balance balls (I have two) I’ve got you covered, along with a crate of workout DVDs, their older VHS cousins, 6 versions of Dance Dance revolution, Yourself! Fitness for ps2, Wii Fit with Biggest Loser for some incentive to use the gear. I’ve also got workout clothes in a range of sizes for a variety of activities… oh, and the birthday bicycle that I think made one trip outdoors in 2009 — though it was a long one.

So all that in mind, I’m supposed to think that a notion for some grand plan using my 40th birthday as motivation is supposed to work where every other big goal hasn’t — our wedding, Maggie’s wedding, reunions, vacation trips, blah blah. Atkins, fail. Weightwatchers, fail. Plain old calorie-counting, fail. Not for lack of good plans, just lack of good follow-through. I’m already down one month of six on another attempt at Bootcamp, and it just feels like if I just had all the money back I’ve thrown at these goals over the years I could have just had some damn plastic surgery. Of course, that doesn’t fundamentally change me mentally, and it would more likely just be the thing I’m complaining about wishing I had the money back from now since plastic surgery wouldn’t change any of my bad habits.

And I have a lot of bad habits. I think they are sort of America’s bad habits, of course. A tendency to hyper-focus on a task in front of some kind of screen so that we don’t even realize that we haven’t moved for hours… and hours. Also a tendency to eat “on schedule” whether we’re really hungry or not, at least for me that’s true. I don’t generally eat too badly, I just don’t have a real sense of when I’m hungry because I’ve been ingrained by dieting to “not starve yourself!” lest your metabolism shut down, so I have plenty of small, healthy snacks around. I eat my breakfast, even if I just got up at 10 AM, and by noon I succumb to “lunch hour” to eat again. I can tell you sitting-still doesn’t burn a hell of a lot of breakfast calories away to get you ready for lunch.

 On the other hand, if I am on a workout kick, then I’m perpetually starving — likely mostly mentally — as I gauge the quality and quantity of each meal more carefully, and tell myself I’m not being deprived. Again, plenty of healthy snacks, just like any “athlete” — of course, that 45 minute workout that got my brain all revved up to be starving all day really doesn’t offset the full rest of my day sitting. Add to it that my focus on tasks seems to be less when my brain is going nuts wondering what the heck is going on with this working out and when the next meal will be, so I’m actually sitting longer because I’m taking longer to finish things.

All this is probably just me and my messed up head. I like to come up with reasons, excuses, blame for the way I am — because a little chocolate cures that kind of stress, right? It’s not your fault! Feel better! Just a snack-sized bar — you eat *great* the rest of the time. Enjoy your reward in advance for your renewed sense of self-worth and your promise to “get back on the wagon” tomorrow… or the next day… whenever that ache or sniffle is gone.

That’s probably why my stomach is twitchy right now — because I’ve gone and set this big goal with a start date of tomorrow, and my subconscious is  cranking out acid as it goes through all the excuses for tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off at 4:30, and wondering if my willpower will actually hold out and cause me to get up anyway. I want to say it will be, but I know I can’t count on that. If I get up and go to Bootcamp — step 1 on the journey — it’s going to have to be a conscious effort. A workout partner might make me more accountable, but who is going to suffer this ridiculousness with me and take it any more serious that I ever do. This early morning class is my own problem, and I have to just deal with it. I’ll certainly look toward future opportunities to find activities with workout partners, but if I let myself allow those workouts to be all I do on this goal, I’m not going to make it.

The reality is 4:30 AM is early, and if I only get a few hours sleep beforehand, I can still go because I can always go back to bed when I get home. Bootcamp can be a horrendously tough workout, and it’s going to hurt. Later in the day, after sitting, things are going to hurt worse, and tomorrow will be harder at 4:30 AM. Tomorrow’s pep talk to not hit the snooze is not something I even want to think about at this moment.

Sorry… *shiny rock*. Was sidetracked for a moment by a series of Israeli artists popping up on my Last.fm “club dance” tag radio. Not what I expected. Think I’ll have to be way more specific in the future. Distraction probably for the best — end this downward spiral of thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. My goal is actually realistic. I have the tools. I have the opportunity.

Honestly, if I don’t make fit by 40, I think I’m just going to switch to an all cake diet at 40 and see if I can get on the news when the fire crews have to come cut out the side of our house so they can take me to the hospital when my heart gives out. Apologies in advance, JamesT.