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frustrating unintentional days of rest, and minor heart failure

Posted in Project 40 on Friday, February 5, 2010 at 11:59 pm by flerly.

The slack is back… day six. Woke up at 4:20 without an alarm, and without the intention to workout that early. It was just the noise of the storm, which guaranteed I didn’t want to go out to Stone Mtn for a class or really turn on any electronics for a DVD. As it was I think I ended up watching people trying to break into a neighbor’s house, until the timer on our front light came on at 5 and they apparently noticed and shut off all their lights, so I lost them.

I’ve mentioned here my motivation is low, and I’ve asked for encouragement. I’ve also mentioned here our budget being low, and my “days off” work — which allow them to cut my salary for now while we’re tight. What I haven’t really mentioned is that there is still something mental going on with me on those days, where I both feel I have to still sit down and check on work and yet want to do nothing at all productive since I’m not being paid. The result has been me trying to stay nearby enough to notice something urgent, yet not actually be working. Last week I took the netbook and sat on my butt watching a movie downstairs. Yesterday, I had intentions to take my book to the treadmill and finish it.

Of course, I’m easily sidetracked… and after I go change into comfy clothes, and pick up my book, I notice Max curled up on our bed, so I try to go lay down next to him for a minute — to see if I can without him running away. Not only does he purr and seem to really like me, he curls up right next to me. Then AJ comes in, I pet him a couple minutes, and then he curls up next to Max. So there I am inadvertently caught in a moment where the two new cats who would never come to lay next to me anyplace, actually let me lay next to them. What the heck, I think, I have a book, so I prop up a little and start reading. The sounds of page turning startle them, but they don’t leave, so I stay… and read… time passes, and the next thing I know it’s after 6 and JamesT has discovered us all camped out on the bed as he joins us to appreciate the cuteness and rarity of the situation.

And tells me he’s told Brad we’d go out with him tonight, and we need to be there by 7. “We’ve got nothing better to do” he says — and well, he is right, except that I’ve been a lazy slack-ass all day — my fault certainly — and had every intention of at least walking on the treadmill as we did our usual thing of catching up on recorded TV tonight, maybe even pulling out the silly dance game later, but those aren’t plans. And then my brain is doing a flip over why we’re on a budget and why we have all this food here for me to make, if we’re just going to take up everybody on their dinner out invites, and this is Friday night, and there will be drinks costs, too, and my brain completely shuts down. All I can do is stare at him for a while — not allowing myself to say anything, because it won’t be anything, it will be rude.

So, pulse pounding so hard I can hear it in my head, I just comply. I take off unused workout clothes — chastise myself for expecting to be able to put off exercise until the last minute, tell myself this is why I wanted to stick to the get up early plan even over the weekend, so I’d get at least that much in. I tell myself this can be a test of staying reasonable with my food choices even going out, calories and cost-wise, and my willpower to turn down costly restaurant mixed drinks.

Still, though, my head is pounding, and in the car ride over I’m holding back tears of my own frustration — wanting to be so pissed off at JamesT for not knowing all that was going on in my head, for not realizing when I’d woken up at 4 that I hadn’t actually worked out — why didn’t I again? And just completely freaking about every bank fee, or taxes due, or post-dated paychecks, or supposedly saving for this trip or that for him to go on because I feel like a complete ass that it’s my paycheck that’s been cut.

To say I was grumpy hardly covers it. As it was, it was perfectly fine. No dinner out, snacks and drinks in. Didn’t break our bank at all, as Brad was a wonderful host, and even managed to have on hand to watch a great old 80s Christopher Walken flick Brainstorm, that I hadn’t seen in ages and James had never seen. Food we handled pretty well for the day, and if my ass had just at any point from the 4:30AM when I got up until the 6PM when I got ready to go out had managed to exercise in ANY way, all my stupid grumpy internal drama could have been avoided.

And what have we learned? Yes, I am stupid or something.


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