Wednesday wonderings

The postman rang this morning with an evil evil package from a certain great-niece in San Diego who happens to be a girl scout — and it’s all our favorites. Nom. Nom. Nom. Evilness. James opened a box mid-afternoon, but I held out until after dinner — one serving, two cookies, 150 calories of evil.

Neck and shoulder pain is still lingering, despite heat, stretching and continuing some light arm exercise. That means I skipped class again this morning, mostly for fear of making this worse with a day of “pushups on the basketballs.”

So today I looked up stretches to help with this pain, and started out my day with them, then we tackled the shopping chores for the day. In the afternoon I pulled out that Kathy Smith step dvd again — flashback 90s! — and found myself with a high heartrate at the checkpoint again. My legs are feeling the workout, but I’m clearly still lacking on the cardio. Really need to just get back on the Ct5K. Yup. Get right on that.

Last week was slack, this week is looking slack, and boy is skipping breakfast getting to me come dinnertime. Scarfed down dinner, and immediately was struck by how much I just ate — brain meet portion size. Sorry, I’m so bad with names. Maybe I’ll remember next time. =\

Tossed in another 40 minutes just walking on the treadmill mostly out of guilt over those portions.

Then gave in to a cup of hot tea and two cookies.

Yeah, progress? Wow, not so much.

What is my hold-up here? My shoulder pain? Am I waiting on those VFFs to arrive, because it’s not like I’ll be jogging in those the day after they arrive or else I’ll have even more pain as an excuse to not be doing much.

And then… Valentines Day will mark two weeks into this, and essentially two weeks of me examining my slack in all it’s glory. Sure hard to feel sexy or loved when you’re just disgusted with yourself for being weak. Brings me back to what I’ve said before about getting caught up with “blame” issues.  Am I feeling unmotivated because I’m feeling unsexy and unloved, and thus I eat for comfort… or is that just another excuse in my head? Is all I need for somebody to act like they’re happy with me and my “effort” here to actually cause me to put forth more effort? Is that an annoying circle of logic that is easy to get caught up in, say, instead of being productive toward any goal?

Yes, yes it is. And I sure fell right back into it, but here’s me being conscious of that. So, that being said… am I going to get up and go to class tomorrow? No. No I’m not. I’m not going to be stupid and possibly cause further injury to this shoulder. What I CAN do is learn to control the food portion of this project even when I’m not making strides in the workout portion. It is possible to lose weight with just diet — or so I understand, so I’ve got to get my head around that.

Isn’t the beginning supposed to be the hardest part of this journey? No worries. We’re learning here.