Down and out

Mood has been terrible — on the verge of shut-down. Just don’t want to tackle anything. I haven’t been Jazzercising since the “foot incident” at Stone Mountain, which was 8 days ago. I’m feeling achy and sore all over, but mostly with random mystery foot, ankle, shin and knee pain, and an even bigger trend toward swollen feet from standing or walking. Even in bed my feet are so hot and aching, contributing to some miserable sleep for oh about 8 days now. Even the bed I love at mom’s wasn’t kind to me.

Sunday in Bristol Mom, Joyce & I did mom’s trail at the park by the dam. It was about 2 miles, and we kept up a brisk pace, despite the “verge of downpour” weather, the cold, the mud, and the ups and downs of the path. Afterwards, my foot was swollen and in pain again — so much that even though we packed the car to leave just after, I just drove us to Johnson City where we hid out at a Barnes and Noble so I could sit in peace and put my foot up a while before we hit the road. The bright side of a blue mood is that it’s been pretty easy to eat less, even if that less did include some birthday cake over the weekend. Scale was still down afterwards.

Problem is, I cannot seem to find any energy at all anymore. I just don’t have it. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to do anything. I really just want to crawl in a hole and hibernate a while — until I’ve completely lost this job and everything has been repossessed, I guess. This weather isn’t helping. I need some sun ASAP.

My shitty things list:

1) My mother, a size 18 since my birth, is wearing size 14 jeans. Good for her, but walking behind her and Joyce on the trail was a rude awakening of who the “fat one” is these days — it’s me.

2) Despite my hair, makeup, clothes and effort toward confidence and social coolness I tried to exhibit at the recent party for my niece and her fiance, the  pictures posted yesterday just show the same fat, shiny aunt that carries around spare tires and can’t take a good picture if she stole from a museum.

3) I had a “my life is a sitcom” moment Saturday night as I notice James about to send a funny but wildly inappropriate message to my niece across the dinner table, and I have to remind him that he has to go home with me before he realizes that it might be an uncool thing to do. She’s cute. He’s awkward around cute people. Don’t I feel special every time I get to witness it.

4) Despite how much I enjoy Jazzercise, I find the 3 available class times per week day to be insanely easy for me to miss. Then I spend hours sitting around kicking myself because I can’t go to a class during that time, and by the next class time something will surely have come up.

5) In a desperate attempt to find more energy without snacking, I’ve started adding supplements back into the mix. I haven’t bought any new ones, just finishing off bottles I already have. I did also, however, decide to try a 30-day system cleanse which I started this morning. It promises better health, immediate weight loss, and more energy when you clean out all the junk mucking up your intestines. Can’t hurt, I guess.

6) Do I want to climb today/at all lately? No. Am I going to this lead climbing class? Sure. Is James going to understand if I’m just using the climbing gym membership to get on an elliptical machine? Doubtful.