Music to affect the mood…

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question
Of your loneliness
Confide…, ’cause I’ll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

Right now there is so much bubbling up inside me to write, but no good way to express any of it. I really don’t think LJ is the forum to air these concerns, but they are begging to be aired.

Odds and Ends then…

We had a reprieve from judgment at Bally for one evening, as they couldn’t schedule our trainers for last night. Now we must wait until Saturday morning. In the meantime, we enjoyed the indoor track and chatted about what we hoped we could change with our efforts.

You can look but you can’t touch
I don’t think I like you much
Heaven knows what a girl can do
Heaven knows what you’ve got to prove

I think I’m paranoid and complicated…

Wow… been trying to write this post for well over an hour now. For a change, it hasn’t been work that’s interrupted (not really), it’s been “life issues dramas,” if you will, that I have been trying to hammer through in a more personal one-on-one setting with a friend in an attempt to not have to air them to the masses (oh my conceit!) in LJ.

These things I simply have to admit about myself:

• I’m bad with money
• I’m insecure
• I’m overweight
• I’m able to have huge mood swings in a single bound
• I fear I’m manic/depressive
• I spend too much time dreaming about things and not doing/living/making things happen
• … this could go on forever

Mostly I must admit that people rarely discuss their issues with the right people. If I have a problem with Joe, I should talk to Joe (or my shrink) and not bounce ideas off Mary all day, lamenting my life and reveling in the pity that Mary expresses. Why do women do that? Is it just women? I heard once…

Tell a woman your problems and she will sympathize with you. Tell a man your problems and he will try to solve them.

It’s just a difference between the genders… Likewise it works, when a woman is expressing her problem, she is probably seeking sympathy, and thus when she tells a man and all he does is try to fix it without so much as an “I’m sorry to hear that, dear” then she is frustrated and may think he doesn’t really care. Reverse-o-matic for the man.. he isn’t looking for your sympathy, because that doesn’t solve anything.

This very scenario was played out by me and mr james last night, and it hit home. Over dinner I am lamenting all my “day from hell woes” and he says to me “You just need to find another job.”

My brain thinks.. Where’s my sympathy? Are you not hearing my woes? I already know I need to find another job, I just want you to acknowledge that I’m not just whining for no reason here…

In all probability, his brain is thinking… She needs a new job so she won’t have anything to whine over. I’ll tell her so, then we can talk about cars or baseball or something.

And the number ONE thing I have realized that I need to remember…

You have to make yourself happy. Nobody can make you happy if you aren’t happy with yourself, and you shouldn’t depend on anyone for your happiness because it’s not fair to them. If you are happy with yourself, if you HAVE a life that you LIVE and enjoy, then others will want to share it with you, you won’t have to force it on them.

The memory comes back to me.. I am in a car in the parking lot of a campus, sitting with a man who has revealed to me time and again that he will never love me in a romantic way and I am in perpetual denial. How can someone be attracted to you and not be able to love you? So for the umpteenth time I am asking him what he sees in some other girl he is dating that he doesn’t see in me… and in frustration and with a bit of a need to just be mean to get me to get over it, he at last replies… She doesn’t depend on me to entertain her. She has her own life and isn’t calling me every day to do something with her because she is bored. You never do that, it’s like I’m your only friend. I could never be with someone as needy as you…

You’d think I would learn something from that, and not be that person anymore. It’s not like I forgot it… I’ve just learned that it’s hard to change.

I want to change.