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It finally happened – happened

Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Sunday, September 22, 2002 at 1:01 am by flerly.

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control, I fear is never-ending
Controlling, I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

Who doesn’t relate to this song…

Managed to make myself stay awake today even though a nap was severely calling me. Up too late, up too early, worked too hard, but had to keep going.

It’s freaking hot in here… I think I’m getting sick…

I am sick. I know it. Downright ill. Nerves have finally done me in… I want more than anything right now to just go jump into the pool and sink in the cool waters to the bottom. Soothing, caressing, enclosing, and cool. Let the water just hold me for a while until I am comforted.

I don’t understand how I can do so much in a day and still become “the thing that watches too much television” all before bedtime. Watched… Clockstoppers–don’t ever try to look for any logic or science in that flick, just try to catch the glimpses of ass and panties from beneath Paula Garces’ flittering little skirts– Then watched… Jeepers Creepers, again. Still enjoy two major things about that seriously bad movie… the scene with the car running down and back over the monster, run-down, back-over, shampoo, rinse, repeat… and the fact that *SPOILER* yeah like it matters.. the fact that the monster wins and the good guy dies. No freaking happy “we solved it” ending… it was the super badass with no lame weakness. The worst part of the movie is that Gina Philips lives and isn’t even slightly mutilated…. skinny bitches. And that was about all the hollywood i could handle.

When the outside temperature rises
And the meaning is oh so clear
One thousand and one yellow daffodils
Begin to dance in front of you – oh dear
Are they trying to tell you something?
You’re missing that one final screw
You’re simply not in the pink my dear
To be honest you haven’t got a clue

I’m coming down with a fever…

Nothing on the planet pisses me off more than somebody telling me that I have remembered something wrong… that I’m mistaken about something that I insist I’m sure about. Nothing. When that happens, I can feel the heat rising in me, feel the flush crawling up my chest into my face, feel my pulse race and the tension rise in my whole body, begging for some violent release that I have to resist, squelch… put down.

Thus is a fact of me…. but tonight…

in the back of my mind for days has been the memory of one single phrase that was like a beacon in the fog that is my thoughts on my life, the one thing to move toward, tried and true, it’s existence giving me confidence and hope to go on.

But it seems… I have remembered wrong.

Instead of rage, I am filled with…. nothing. I am empty.

Until I realize that I’m not empty. I’m embarrassed. So very embarrassed at how public I’ve made something that should, upon this realization, have been very very private, secret, and never ever admitted.

I’m really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think I’m a banana tree


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