581

I woke up WAY too early yesterday, 5ish, and couldn’t sleep anymore. Long day at work, then finally around 10ish, buffy is over, mom is off the phone, and JT and I can sit down and “catch up”, since honestly, we haven’t really been alone together… other than in the car, which was just us listening to cds loudly, in nearly two weeks. So.. we catch up. I’m yawning, but still kissing him while he talks.. I’m in the floor, he’s in a chair, so I kiss him on the knee. He laughs and rubs my head and tells me more stories about his Dad’s terrible sense of time, which I’ll relate later.

Finally a person walks thru, so we shhh. He gets up, I get up. He lets in the cat and heads downstairs, so I follow him. It is after 11 and I’m so sleepy, but no way I’m letting him out of my sight so soon. So I “hover” behind him at the computer, kissing the top of his head while he checks email, notices Brad is online, decides not to chat Brad, but goes to catch up on reading Brad’s journal… *yawn*. Time is passing so slow… I tell him, “I need water. I think I’m going to get some and go lay down and watch TV.” He replies, “I wanna play counterstrike for a min and see who is on, I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

I make it to my pc, because I hear a message come in. It’s Kit, we chat until nearly midnight, then I get my water and go upstairs. Star Trek is going off. Changing Rooms is on, then it comes on again, then Daria is on, then it comes on again, then I realize I am barely keeping my eyes open and well over two hours have passed for his “few minutes.”

I give up. I turn everything off. I try to sleep, but I am pissed off. I stare at the clock for 20 minutes, then decide to go downstairs to see what’s up. I don’t hear the sounds of the game anymore. Instead I find him and Jim wide awake on the couches sucked into some Science channel special. I think, well, it happens people get caught up in TV and lose track of time. I’m disappointed but okay, and as I walk back up the stairs I realize that they were both so involved in the show that they never even saw me standing there.

The clock hits 2:30 and apparently that show is over. The stairway light flips on, which means Jimmy–who is unable to count stairs in the dim light–is going to bed. Surely James, too, I think. So I wait. Nothing. The light goes out. I wait. That pissed feeling comes back… I decide that he is being damned inconsiderate of me again, obviously missed me terribly, so I decide that I don’t even want him to come to bed. I pick up his pillows, throw them in the hallway, close the bedroom door.. and lock it.

I then storm back to bed. So hot. Furious. Heart pounding. It’s another half hour before I hear the door rattle as he discovers it is locked. I wait a moment, get up, then turn the knob to unlock it, get back in bed, and wait.

He doesn’t come in. I’m staring at the clock. I get up, open the door and look. The pillows are gone. I go back to bed. I’m staring at the clock. I’m so pissed and sending him downstairs to sleep just isn’t making me happy. I’m never going to be able to get to sleep and in the back of my mind I wonder if he even knows why I’m pissed off.

So I go downstairs, he is sitting in front of the pc. it is off. head in hands, silent. I grab the bed pillows off the couch, he stands up, I shove the pillows at him, “come upstairs” I say, “are you sure” he asks… “yes, I can’t sleep without you there,” I say. “I’m sorry” he says.

We go upstairs, he gets safely into the spooning position behind me and falls asleep very quickly. I am still tense, watching clock, but when I can tell he is asleep, I finally start to get sleepy. It is after 4am. Finally, I drift off to sleep thinking about how I’m going to blast the radio and turn on all the lights in about 3 hours when my alarm goes off.

In point of fact, I do turn UP the volume on the radio alarm when it goes off, but I snooze it a few times. I DO turn on the bedroom lamp, but he is facing the other way. I don’t think I disturbed him at all.

I’m a wuss. Totally not girly or independent. Cannot make a stand when I’m pissed off. I just missed him. I did get a present, after all. I am UNDERSTANDING in a general sort of way, but these little… continuous examples of the level of inconsiderateness he is capable of are very hard to take. As in, finished off my bottle of Pepto last night.

Between work crap and “being understanding” I think I’m due a big fat ulcer.