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you know…

Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Monday, October 21, 2002 at 8:57 pm by flerly.

Sometimes… I must smoke a lot of crack, because my view on the world is quite askew. Pretty damned far off, I think.

There’s just too much to even try to explain. Perhaps I’ll start with one of the bouncings of a story idea I have… you see, I took a death quiz, I don’t even remember when, but it told me how many days I had left to live and how I was gonna die…. all I remember is it didn’t give me enough days left to make it to the next Harry Potter movie, which I’m looking forward to, and that it told me that I would die by my own hand.

That leads me to thinking about suicide. I know I’ve been at points in my life where I “thought” about it… I think most teens do, and even later on, but at the time I took the quiz I was thinking, Man, what kinds of things would have to change in my life to make me commit suicide on schedule for the death quiz result, Crazy as it sounds, the only thing that really came to mind was if something terrible happened to James, if he died, suddenly, unexpectedly… I wondered if that would affect me enough. I know I’ve sat down to evaluate my life and found myself lacking in lots of ways, but what would it really take to make me feel worthless enough to take my life. What else, I guess.

Then I think about the past… hell eight months I guess, that I’ve been really stressing over things and people at work. Eight months, it’s been, I checked it today in my past journal entries. I have let myself get so worked up about work and people that I’m just not normal. I’m not a functional or fun person to really be around, though I may play one in person sometimes. Secretly, I guess, I’ve been so unnecessarily stressed out, looking for ways to vent, and generally making a huge ass of myself, and right now at this moment I just realized that the “for what” totally is not worth it. As soon as I realized that, I felt like such a fool… and the first thing that crossed my mind was is this the thing? is this what will drive me to do it? this realization?

But no. I’m sitting here right now at my sloppy desk at home, surrounded by all the wonderful things that give me reason to smile… toys, Hawaii stuff, cheese posse picts, and mostly pictures of JamesT. Tonight I talked to my mom, and it made me so terribly sad. I miss her so much, but I can’t make time to go see her. My life is too hectic, and that drags me down. I can hear how lonely she is, and it reminds me how lonely I can feel, even here in this crowd of people where I really get no alone time.

I’m not sure this is making sense. I was sitting here. I was working, because I didn’t get as much done this weekend as I’d hoped, and then I didn’t get as much done today as I’d hoped, and tomorrow I want to go to Korn and relax, and I’m just not sure I can pull it off. I have movies to watch, I have taped tv-shows to watch, I have a well-fed, probably bored JamesT downstairs sitting alone that I desperately want to spend some time with, and I even have my wonderful new birthday present all shiny and new calling me to come down and play a little tune, but instead I’m sitting here… trying to figure out what’s so fucked up in my head that I can’t let myself just live and be happy. Why do I have to create all this drama and turmoil for myself. Why do I have to sit here, and drag people into conversations that just make things so much worse… until at last, I guess the one perfect thing is said to make everything so clear, like a lightbulb turning on over my head, things are illuminated now. I can see clearer than ever what a fool I’ve been. How I’ve let myself get so crazy over stress that I make for myself.

Now I guess it only remains to look for the path back to sanity.


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