Sunday night breakdown.

My insanity is always there. Most days I just keep a lid on it.

Why does it feel so late? Sundaze are too short. Weekendz are too short.

Friday was cheese, cheesy presents, good times, fun, and special guest posse, Wanda. It was cool to see her again, as she is always interesting. Afterwards we took in some Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with Jason meeting us there. Had some nice conversation with him while the girlz were in line for drinks. He had a look like he wanted to hang out more afterwards so he could rant and rave about how much the director ruined the Harry Potter movies… but well, I don’t think I could have managed much more of an evening for the coughing I had going on. Came home, barely spoke to the working man before work, then crashed out cold, thanks to Nyquil. I could have slept all day Saturday… felt like I needed it, but I glanced at the clock, saw it was going on 1, and rushed to get dressed.

Well, then I guess Saturday was sort of productive… nice lunch, then headed off to Guitar Center and finally broke down and dropped the dough on some new sheet music. $94 for six books. Stupid stuff. Cheesy stuff. Stuff I want to learn, but will probably never play in front of people. John Lennon, Sarah McLachlan, Eagles, Elton John, Alicia Keys, and Steely Dan. Don’t say it.. ghei ghei ghei. I know.

Saturday night was Skittles shindig. Her apartment looked amazing, the spread was delicious.. I hope she liked the little gifts.. Got to meet a lot of the crew she talks about. hope they weren’t too bored with me. Tried to converse some, but like I told George .. “Talking makes me cough. Of course, not talking makes me cough. Of course, I guess it’s the cold that really makes me cough.” He laughed. Shortly after midnight I realized I couldn’t hold back the coughing fits much longer, so I headed out. Barely made it out to the car before I was hacking up a lung all the way home. At least I remembered how to get to I-85 from downtown, so I swung right on by JamesT at work (aka me waving at the Bellsouth building), made it home quick, then tried to say howdy to let him know I’d just passed him.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Sunday, ick.. tried to get up, sit down in front of the PC and think about work, but really couldn’t manage it. Love clearing out the spam folders… read some of it and am still trying to consider how to work it into my novel. I do know there are certain fetishes that will never be worked into my bedroom play. Though I generally hate to disappoint, I can say with certainty that at no point will I understand or indulge in any “Mommie’s Little Diapered Baby Girl” or “Panties and Pads” porn. I think it has done something to me just to know that such things exist AS porn, let alone to think anyone would be interested in them. Would you want to meet the folks who this stuff turns on? Think they’re the guys who like to watch dogs licks girls or girls suck animals? Think you would know one of those people when you saw them on the street?

I don’t. I think they look just like you and me, but somewhere in there some whacked out sexual deviancy has occurred that has taken that person beyond someone who will ever have a real healthy sexual relationship. Yeah, so after discovering these new deviant porn interests, I did a lot of reading about porn addictions and sex addictions, and was very disappointed to discover that the only “self help” books out there relating to those topics seem to be from the Christian point of view. Of course, though, only a Christian would think there was something wrong with a partner who got turned on by little girls and goats. That bothers me. I don’t want to read a self help book about why God says that sort of sex is wrong, I want a psychological rational explanation that I can relate to about why this happens and what to do about it, without bringing God into the picture.

Okay, I’m ranting a little bit. I flipped through too many book titles.. “How porn ruins families”… “living with sexual addition” … “daddy’s secret war”… and I just got sick of it. Perhaps the non-Christians just don’t have any good reason why sexual perversions are perverted. Is that true? I mean.. If you’re not a Christian living by God’s laws does that mean you might as well be totally amoral? I want the happy medium ground, thanks. And I want some support from other happy medium dwellers.

Grrr. I’m wasting time. I need a shower just to wash off all this gross I feel at the thought of all this crap. I want to write a novel about a Utopia where the porn industry does not exist because sex is not evil or naughty, and people can control their damn selves and don’t feel the need to bombard themselves with new images of young unspoilt flesh with their first maxi pads in their first white panties just to get aroused, and they certainly NEVER feel the need to have their privacy so they can indulge in all these perversions because they wouldn’t be doing anything anyone might find offensive. In this Utopia you wouldn’t look at a person on the street and wonder what sick fantasy he just got off to twenty minutes before you met him and he shook your hand. The thought of all that sickness just disturbs me.. makes me not want to trust anybody. It’s just not healthy and I just can’t deal with it. It makes me want to dedicate myself to hunting down the freaks who originate this crap and send it out to unsolicited people just because they have an email address.

It almost makes me want to be a bible thumper.

Almost.

I guess a bible would work good as anything to bash the purveyor of such disturbing filth’s head in.