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Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Tuesday, January 1, 2002 at 1:11 pm by flerly.

Non standard profile information…..
You asked for it… so let’s see…

I live plagued with the sense that the whole world just exists inside my head. I know better, but it’s a nagging reoccurring thought. As such, I’ve spent far too much time rewriting the world, namely my life, inside my head… used to lead to story ideas, but that’s a practice I seem to have given up a while ago. Still love to devour books and movies for entertainment and more ideas for things, that seem to only end up as dreams now, never actually down on paper.

My most… interesting? quality…. I’m easily amused. =) (read–signs on common stores written in unusal languages. fascinated by the “Mahalo” on the McD’s trash cans in hawaii) I only get bored with tedium, and can just about always occupy myself or be entertained by the simplest, stupidest things and truly enjoy it. I love to listen to people talk, or just people watch… strangers I see get instant fleshed-out lives in my mind which dissapear soon after they’ve walked out of site. Maybe I’m just staying in practice, saving all this stuff up until I get the courage to put it all down on paper again someday.

Meanwhile… I live this life.. in pursuit of fitness goals that actually seem reachable, with a renewed sense of how to take care of myself and make the most of my life, with a deep sense of happiness from the people I’ve let into my life, actually thinking about the evil-M word and being happy about it… I work trying to pursue some vague creative path that is mostly forced, but I seem to pull it off enough to keep a job. I spend most days feeling like a faker, who’s outsmarted my employer into thinking I know what I’m doing.

I’m discovering a love for music that just keeps expanding… it’s making me want to pursue playing piano again, but that’s just another thing I learned that there really wasn’t any talent to. I’m discovering also that I can measure a large portion of my life by the video games and roleplaying game worlds I was playing… again, I guess these were mostly creative outlets. I’m almost sad that I can’t make myself sit down to play anything anymore without feeling like by doing so, i’ll be back in the old rut
and 30 years from now will only be able to remember the years by video games again…. that’s not how I want to remember things.

All this time has passed in my life and I still retain a love for collecting little things that make me laugh…. like stuffed animals, even if my compulsion to buy teddy bears has become more restrained, it’s still around.

Still feel that viceral reaction almost like love when I see the lovely lines of an old corvette, and merely losing my train of thought for a moment at the site of most new ones. Also finding my want for a convertable, which I decided not to buy, has turned into a desire for a motorcycle, which I often dream I already have.

At times, I realize with such clarity that this all isn’t my little world, and I feel tiny and vulnerable. Sometimes I realize how much of my heart I’ve given to another and how his every whim or mood is like a tide that tugs at me.. his every action giving me reaction, and how 10 minutes of his attention and our laughter makes me feel more alive than anything else I’ve experienced. His love is better than chocolate, Sarah.

So this is me, self-centered, quirky, flipping between being a babbler and pretending to be invisible in a room full of people, seeking creative outlets, trying to make ends meet while living with my chest wide open and my heart exposed. Moody girly concerns mixed with a bit of a decidely male apathetic quality about things. Constanting seeking attention while trying not to be noticed. Never able to totally quiet the mind from it’s runnings on… always thinking the worse, moreover imagining how the worse plays out in minute detail. Terrible concentration skills, and a horribly
rambling and vague writing style that makes me wonder if anybody (except me over and over) ever manages to read it.

Old things I’ve written are still available at www.flerly.com (oldsite link), and any new “interesting” nuggets of wisdom will probably only ever appear here, in livejournal. If you manage to read it… enjoy.

The faces of flerly…

AKA… my icon gallery..


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