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James Dixon: Jedi Talent Agent

James Dixon (Tom): (on phone) Stewart’s doin’ fine.

I left my job at the William Morris Agency and since then I had a string of pretty bad jobs and I didn’t really have any direction-

(on phone) Hang on one second.

And that’s when Obi Wan, my mentor, fenagled me into going to the decoupage system to complete my agent training and study with Yoda. The Jedi master who instructed him.

You see, there’s a force that surrounds every object in the universe, including the entertainment industry.

You don’t need to see his screenplay!

Kevin: We don’t need to see his screen play.

Dixon: You want to give him a five picture deal.

Kevin: We want to give him a five picture deal.

Dixon: Heh heh heh.

Kevin and Joe: Heh heh heh

Dixon: You want to get me a fishwich.

Joe: Can I get you a fishwich?

Dixon: Sure, if you want, I guess…uh…heh heh heh.

David Lutz: Playwright (David): Being represented by a Jedi master has really helped my career. I mean, I’m not even a model, per se, but I signed with Dixon, and two days later, I got this whole line of ads for Speedo!

(shot of David’s Speedo ads)

Dixon: Pete, trust your instincts. Feel the force flow from the Jedi. (phone rings) Hang on a second. Yeah. Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard! I’m sorry, I gotta take this call, you know. It’s like this guy, he’s–it’s–um–one second. Yeah, hey! No no!

Mike Ovitz: Creative Artists Agency(Mike B): James Dixon is a very powerful Jedi agent. In fact, my evil councilors and I have been trying to acquire him for the dark side of the force. Unfortunately, his heart is pure…and he wanted this big raise, and his own parking space, and will you please shut up! There is not enough room in the world to accommodate all of James Dixon’s demands.

Kerri: (Hacking cough) James has been getting me lots of voice-over work. I’m the little duck that loves coffee.

Little Duck: I love coffee! (hacking cough)

Dixon: If I had one piece of advice to give young artists, it would have to be, just because something looks like food doesn’t mean you should eat it. And, of course, you know, may the force be wit’ you.