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Posted in Crazy Wisdom on Thursday, June 5, 2003 at 2:32 pm by flerly.

Wake up (wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up
(Hide the scars to fade away the shake )
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table?
Here you go create another fable

Hi, let’s talk, shall we. It’s been a while since we’ve really spoken. I mean, I babble to myself all the time and don’t really wait around for comment, but I figured it was about time for a conversation.

It’s June, lovely warm evenings ripe for being out of doors. I just saw Fleetwood Mac in concert, which was about as good as it could have possibly been… I mean other than the band inviting us up on stage to help them out, it was pretty ideal. Let’s see, what else is new in my world. Work stress is back up to those intolerable limits that cause JamesT to make Knoxville quips that plunge me into weeks of retarded dream-paranoia and feed the already bloated depression I’ve got going on. There is no hope for time off. There is no break from working at home. There is no help in site. Weekends aren’t nearly enough time to wind down. Money clearly isn’t enough. Right now I sure could use a couple hundred extra bucks in the bank, but where do you get stuff like that out of the blue. But no, why worry about it. Just live day to day and party like there’s no tomorrow. No need to exercise any restraint. Living without a care keeps us in the mood to keep going, right?

There I go babbling again. I swear, sometimes I don’t need other people to make conversation at all… more often lately, I guess… and I hesitate to admit that I fear becoming one of those crazy talking-to-myself in public people (you know, the bums with the shopping carts, perhaps, that make you pause because you wonder if they might be talking to you).

I want… oh so many things.

I want, to make it through a month without a payday advance loan to cover something unexpected. I want, to enjoy going to the gym by myself and not feel some weird sense of guilt that I’m not at home with JamesT since I’m off work. He doesn’t care if I’m there the moment I get off work. He, in fact, would encourage the time at the gym. He will still love me if I don’t spend every spare moment in his sight. I want, to rediscover my willpower. I want, to walk out the door of this office today and never come back. I want, people to stop telling me I handle stress so well. “You always have the best attitude! Even when I know you’re swamped!” I want, a pint of cherry garcia ben & jerry’s ice cream. I want, to know how I managed to come up short for my car payment again, despite a rigorous plan of no non-essential spending that was only broken by one purchase of T-shirts at the concert, that really just tells me I wasn’t making enough money in the first place. I want, to know why I can look reasonably alright in front of the mirror at home, but like a train wreck in front of the mirror at work. At least I didn’t have to pay for that work-gripe-session lunch I just got dragged out to. I want, to know if my work griping posts have caused people I know to stop talking to me unless they get cornered someplace. I want, to stop hearing my name mentioned then have no one come over to explain what it was about. My paranoia tells me they are taking bets on when I begin putting heads on pikes around my cubicle. I want, to listen to my headphones full blast without people walking up to talk to me. Which leads to, I want, people to respect the headphones. I want, to ignore all emailed requests until they come in proper rework format.

I want, to quit griping about work. I want, to enjoy any other aspect of my life right now. I want, to look forward to Vegas. I want, to go home and sleep some more. I want, to know why nobody but JamesT and myself had any compunction about filling out all that crap just to do the LJ Compatability test.

I want, to not have to explain to people that a jpeg screenshot of a page that shows category headers for a bunch of community links is not actually content with which I can build a community center. I was actually already familiar with the typical categories that community content is divided into. When I was told content was received and to do the build, I expected…. oh I dunno… content. Links, perhaps? Community info blurbs? Does this seem hard to understand for anyone reading this?

Well, now perhaps I want to figure out how to get back into the groove of accomplishing things for this job. How do you, general public, make yourself just stop bellyaching over things and get to work, because in the end, it all has to get done anyway?

Welp, gotta go. Gopher meeting.


1 Comment

  1. tiger66466 has made a Comment

    How do you, general public, make yourself just stop bellyaching over things and get to work, because in the end, it all has to get done anyway? ——- If you figure that out, please let me know. My problem isn’t hatred of the job/work place but just sheer laziness. That’s why I always found it so damn funny that you and Maggie think I’ve got the best willpower ever – because I am so damn lazy. Wish I weren’t, but I am. I’ll still try to love me anyways. :-p

    June 5, 2003 @ 8:13 am

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